Broken Sea Glass

Friday, December 23, 2005

Migrater

I had just posted a very angery post, but found myself with such cruel and undisaplined thoughts. How harsh am I to say such things? What I feel and how I react to my feelings makes me who I am. I am not very much certain thats the kind of person I want to be. I am a cruel finger pointer, and I am not going to read that post to feel those feelings again, yet I refuse to delete it because then I would be hideing my true feelings that were there at the time. I had honestly written it with such spite and with a reason to be a hell raiser. I was honestly ready to punch a few holes in my teacher and be done with her, but what kind of a christian does that make me? I have been finding myself to grow farther away from church and God, and I realize thats not at all what I wanted in the begining. I had turned to God in my time of struggles with school, but when I need him most of all, at those moments and every moment I have turned away. A lost trader on many paths, but none of them lead to salvation. What is it to be a sinner? One to break the rules and do not what is right by God, but that by which is right to oneself at the time. Who am I to change the rules of life in my head and say that is the word of life, the word of my life. Things are changed, mind is full of this and that, these and those. What a danger I have brought to myself to be in this state. I sing the words, yet the meaning ran away from me, or I should say, It is there, but I am trying to set it free from me. To this, to that. A life of the past. I cannot go on liveing with all my hate and anger, I cannot go on liveing with all these burdens. I am a sparrow lookeing for food before winter. A late bird that tried to get all it needs to live before freezing in my home. Where is the warmth when I have traded my tree for a box, traded my life for a temporary substitude.
This that these those there is no comma for a life without meaning is like a runnon sentence forever going with no breath that one cannot read it all in one breath.

1 Comments:

At 8:14 PM, Blogger friend said...

thanks for your honest post - I am praying for joy and honesty - and hope for every day God gives you - to grasp it, enjoy it, live it deeply - God loves you.

 

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