Against the grain

Wow, what a crazy past couple of days all yeh all, I am having a really fun time hanging out with people. Actually feel like I have a life here because people are talking to me and I am not even in school, haha. No, I am just messing, I have a plenty good life, social and alive, for a Sarah that is. HAving fun, went to church and met up with some people I met last time I went to kansas. Met Shadow, Chris's kick butt dog. Psh, the weather isn't half bad, people made it out to me that I was going to freeze, psh, PANZIES!!!! I go around with no coat most of the time and chill all the while. It's not like I am standing outside, ready to be frozen to pieces eh, sticking my prelicked finger in the air, ready in full for a good and chilly breeze to test. Haha, I am such a sarcastic mofo. Lol, allways wanted to use that term, doesn't seem like it fits me. Oh, and these eh's I have been saying, I need to stop because it is interupting my speech pattern, I have probably said it like 5 times today. So not cool. Well, I did have a dream amidst the dark and shadowless room they call Erics. But I do not remember it really. I remember I had my drivers licence for like three months or so, as I keep telling the story the amount of months change so don't nag and say I said blabla bla. Well, for that whole time period, however long it was, I never once put my vehicle in park. Isn't that crazy? Actually, come to think of it, I don't believe I actually shift gears or even messed with anything that wasn't the wheel and the gas. Nuts huh? I guess driving is just stuck in this mind of mind. haha. Well, I am in a writers mood, getting a good feel of the keys and the palms of my heating hands or rested so burdenlessly. You know what? I think burden in the word of the day, used several times by many. Hmm, ok, so let me see what comes out of these tired fingers of mine eh? Er... scratch the eh and we will be all good my homie gees, haha. In the last five minutes I tried to speak of happy things through my writing, but only death stared at my face. I would have to blame that one this little girl I met today names Jazmine, and her brother as well. Let me try again and see how that goes.
Standing at my post, a corner with a heavy coast everywhere but in the direction ment to be, my eyes grew tired with my constant wandering. After a few minutes of this and that, these and those, I was brought to a woman with tired eyes and old raggety clothes. A heart like mine should be in every soul, because through her eyes I saw a homeless grandma, lost from the life of being her grandchilds hero. My head coasted down, feeling a fool as I thought of helping a woman who seems to be at her last waking moments in sanity. But with a second guess of knowing what my life should show, I stood taller then the clouds, but didn't my pride go higher then the heavens. 'Come with me, I will give you good nights rest in my shoes,' I said to the woman as she looked sheepishly. 'Now why would you say such foolishness child? There is no room for rags in you mansion,' the woman had declined my offer, and I was so suprised I could have been knocked off my feet. But with my will, I had to have my thoughts be cleared with her in a warm home then a hole in the ground with scum. So with a smile on my face I looked straight into the grandmothers eyes and said, 'What kind of a person would I be and let you freeze yourself while I have a warm room for you at my place. Come, and if you still don't want to stay the night after a warm dinner and a look and feel of the guest bed, then you are more then welcome to leave. You are no prisoner at my home, but a welcome guest.' The womans jaw dropped slightly, but soon closed it realizing I ment only good for her. A small nod and no smile and she fallowed me against the coast of the breeze and the people. Finally reaching my home, I let her in with a warm breeze greeting her. All I could of asked for was the smile that grew on her weary face. All I could ask for was that little bit, nothing else mattered as a payment for me then just that poor and hopeless grandmother feeling like she finally was accepted.

Migrater

I had just posted a very angery post, but found myself with such cruel and undisaplined thoughts. How harsh am I to say such things? What I feel and how I react to my feelings makes me who I am. I am not very much certain thats the kind of person I want to be. I am a cruel finger pointer, and I am not going to read that post to feel those feelings again, yet I refuse to delete it because then I would be hideing my true feelings that were there at the time. I had honestly written it with such spite and with a reason to be a hell raiser. I was honestly ready to punch a few holes in my teacher and be done with her, but what kind of a christian does that make me? I have been finding myself to grow farther away from church and God, and I realize thats not at all what I wanted in the begining. I had turned to God in my time of struggles with school, but when I need him most of all, at those moments and every moment I have turned away. A lost trader on many paths, but none of them lead to salvation. What is it to be a sinner? One to break the rules and do not what is right by God, but that by which is right to oneself at the time. Who am I to change the rules of life in my head and say that is the word of life, the word of my life. Things are changed, mind is full of this and that, these and those. What a danger I have brought to myself to be in this state. I sing the words, yet the meaning ran away from me, or I should say, It is there, but I am trying to set it free from me. To this, to that. A life of the past. I cannot go on liveing with all my hate and anger, I cannot go on liveing with all these burdens. I am a sparrow lookeing for food before winter. A late bird that tried to get all it needs to live before freezing in my home. Where is the warmth when I have traded my tree for a box, traded my life for a temporary substitude.
This that these those there is no comma for a life without meaning is like a runnon sentence forever going with no breath that one cannot read it all in one breath.

Dieing from a thousand foot fall

Today was a horrible day, I don't remember being this angry in sooooo long. Started out ok, wasn't feeling good at all, but made it through my first two finals. Then I get to my history final, ehhhh I might have done well, might not of, can go either well really. Well, during the end of the class my english teacher was showing every student thei grade at their desk. My english and history class is a black, so I have them in the same class 5th period for english and 6th period for history. Well, its a finals day so I am running in my last final, and finish it. So My teacher goes and shows people their grades. When she gets to me she asked if I wanted to see my grade and I say yeah, all the while not feeling very good, could puke at anytime. So she lines her paper up with my name and gets a sower look on her face saying "Oh my," Shaking her head and giving me a look like I did horrible. So I see my grade and it's a 79.9%, and I am thinking, "Ehh, could have done better, but I can turn that into a B easily next semester." So basically, I didn't really care. But she starts naggin on me saying I should see her after class if I want her to round up my grade, so I am like whatever. I tried to tell her a story where this happened before only that teacher refused to round grades. But, Miss Mccauley kept cutting me off saying soemthing else. And I said it's not about that at all, my teacher thought I was going to say my other teacher rounded the grade. So Miss Mccauley said she doesn't want to hear that my other teacher did, and I told her its not it at all. So I tried to tell her again because it was a good story, but that woman wouldn't let me. She kept cutting me off saying, "Yeah... right... yuh huh... ok... whatever... yeah.." And she went on saying how I need to talk to her if I wanted to get my grade rounded to a B. So that basically pissed me off. The fact she wouldn't let me talk just got me so fired up I was ready scrap, I am serious. So I saw whatever in my head and went on with what I Was doing, which was just sitting there thinking. To let you know, she basically said I should beg to get my grade up, I am no begger, I refuse to beg to a teacher. Well, I was talking to my friend Christine an she told me she got a 79.6 and that Miss Maccauley told her not to worry about it, she would round it up. Oh, trust me, I was so set on fire. Ready to ring that stupid teachers neck. I watched the teacher laughing and jokeing with students, saying good job on their grades. I didn't really care about getting a C, its not like its the end of the world, atleast its not .1 percent to get a C if I had a D. I would beg to get that C, but just a B? Please, I am cool with that. Or I was untill my friend went and told me the teacher said not to worry about it, that she would round it for her. My my, I started huffing and doing small growls to try and control my temper. Never in my day have I ever been made such a fool out of. And never again. So the bell rings and she makes everyone sit down, thats the kind of teacher she is, even though it wasn't her class. And she calls my name really loud saying, "Sarah, your staying after to talk to me." I said "Yeah, I know." So everyone leaves, a few friends said good luck, which I appreciate because this teacher is a pain in the ass. So I stay after, standing and waiting to talk to her. She was talking to this poor girl names Molly, I guess Molly failed the class and she was bursting out in tears, mostly because when Mccauley thinks she is being sincere she is really just being plane cruel. So I wait 15 minutes, I knew my mom was mad by now because she doesn't like it when I am late. So I sat down waiting to talk to her, a pretty POed look on my face that she is wasting my time. So Molly goes off still crying, and Mccauley comes and sits by me AFTER helping a student that came after me. That rose my anger bar. I have a life too yeh know, I said to my self so snobbishly and sarcasticly. Well, the teacher comes and waits for me to talk. So I told her I am a good student, I work hard, stay out of trouble, respectful, and all that jazz. But I swear, Mccauley is giving me oen of her supposed to be sincere looks but really its a eyebrow lifting, "Yeah? So? What of it?" Type of looks.I am getting so frustrated with her that my eyes are turning red from the anger and my stomach still trying to give back what I ate. She takes me to look and see why my grades are what they are. I was so shocked. "ITS A STUPID C!!! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO PLAY ONE OF THOSE YOUR A SLACKER ON ME??????" I didn't say that, but thats what I was thinking. She goes through my "file" and looks at my papers, I have some very nice hand writing thank you very much. Well, I did a little bad on two tests, but made them up with the pop quizes. Then she turns to the stupid computer! I was setting myself on fire ready to burn my fuel. So, I got a D on this essay that we wrote. Know why? Because she gives me a few class periods to work on it and expect a prewrite, rough draft, final draft, and revising done all in that small amount of time! I love writing essays, but I need to do it at home, a better environment then a rushed one in class. And I told her that. So she turned to my other A papers. My eyes were ready to ball out in rageing tears, and my nose started to get runny with the held in anger. I wanted yo throw what christine said in her face, but I needed to control my anger, I needed to reobtain my stature. I had to calm down before I killed someone, or something. So I so right before I left she said she would bump my grade to a B, but said I have to do better this next semester. I say yeah, whatever. No thank you because it would be lieing. I wasn't thankful because she ruined my day. I took a shortcut throught the forever lasting two story building with its even longer halls. Get out side, put on my shades to hide my red and tired eyes. I was told I looked so tired all morning, I didn't want other people seeing it. So It takes me 10 minutes to get to my ride, my mom, she said when I came walking I had a serious attutude problem so she knew I was not happy. I get in the car, said I was sorry I was late and after a few minutes I exploded with...ugh, I exploded with anger eh. A lot of grrs and gruffs, ags and args came out of me. I was in a horrible mood, with a horrible mind.
But, Eric came out tonight and made it better, short and funny, a great combination for a brother from another mother.
haha
Ok, have to run.
~Peace~

Jagged rocks for stepping stones

A wide river of black water ran through the valley, splitting it in half. Dark clouds and rageing beasts marked both sides as I stood on the line from this and that. On each side of the split valleys river were ragged and jagged stepping stones to either side. Both bare feet, and rags to wear, there is only room to make one trip. To the east scortching winds and whipping rain tears at the flesh, to the west the sky blazed with fire to burn the skin and water so active that it drowns. Eyes hazy, body beat, a week posture to go by. Truth be told, either direction there will be issues, others more harsh then any. But what way is really the ultimate sacrafice to pay to make the right choice?

Too smart

Well, today I took my biology finals test, I was so scared to take it. I didn't really study, just glanced at the papers and went on with my life, haha. Well, I took it, was a 70 question test, had 70 minutes to tak eit. Took my only like 50 or 45 or so. But I know for a fact I passed it because it way too easy! I couldn't believe it! All the hard stuff from the year was taken off and all the kindergarden stuff was put in. Isn't that awsome?? Well, Today went good, my freshman friend is still calling me Amy, not sure if I mentioned she even started calling me that but she is. Apperently I look like an Amy and I didn't even know it. Too scary, haha.
Also I took my permit test, was the second to oldest one taking it, lol. A 50 somethin' year old mexican that couldn't speak english apperently took it three times and failed all three. I am guessing that is because he can't understand english, lol. But I passed, so thats good. Got 5 out of 23 wrong. Everyone had allways told me it was a twenty question test and if you got four or more wrong you failed. Well I passed it, so BLAR!! I was there over an hour and a half, tireing and I was getting cranky. Have been having a headache all day and wasn't in the mood to take the test. But I did and got it over with, don't like my pic though. My dad said I looked like I had dredlocks, so I wanted to kill him. Bad picture, but I know everyones turns out horrible, so I am not going to show it off to prove that, lol.
Ehh, ok, so I have been getting no sleep, except I slept as hard as a rock lastnight. I have been having some serious nightmares, the ones where people are trying to kill me with a needle full of poisen, another was a ghoste trying to choke me, and another where someone was comming after me with something, don't remember. That was all in one night, and after those three dreams, that very same night I had a dream where I had a disease called lupis. It's where your body starts attacking itself, not realizing it's on the same team as me, lol. Well, I had at the most two weeks to live, and at the least one week to live. It was sad and tireing. Then those other dreams I have been having with some evil figure trying to get me.
Ugh, I am really starting to hate dreaming. Well, have to go.
Peace out eh's.
~Sarah~
I forgot to add soemthing....
THREE MORE DAYS!!!!! I am soooooo excited it's crazy. I am getting freaked about the plane trip though, but I am praying about one thing. I hope I get the coolest, awsomest, and kindest neighbors on a plain ever! I don't want anymore old and snoreing people, or whiney kids asking quesiton after question, or someone thats going to throw up every where. I just want someone that is very social that will talk a majority of the plane ride. Know why? Because I can't read a book the entire time on the plane, and I will get lonely not talking to anyone. Or maybe I will get this cool kid that will keep me entertained enough so where it wont get annoying. Ehh, I just want a good solo plain trip, too much to ask? I think not. haha, wow, I just bit my lip and boy does it hurt. Ehhhhhhh, I was eating a banana and then everything went wrong. Ugh, nanners aren't in my favor at this time. Hey, isn't Eric supposed to have flown to AZ today? He told me but I haven't heard from him.
Well, I hope I will get a call, I'm sure he hasen't forgotten all about his sister from another world.
Shway.
Ok
~Peace~

Oh the grrs

The past couple of days I have been pretty grr, a lot of people have ticked me off and I wanted to beat them all. I am a violent person really, there are just some things thta set me off, and when people lie to me... Ugh!!! GRR!! Well, Yeah, so I am trying really hard not to be grr.
Ok, so this weekend I was at my dads and we went to bestbuy to check out their games so we could get a new one. Well, on the way through the store we found this guy around my age playing the xbox 360. I was inlove, not with the guy, but with the graphics on the war game he was playing. Yeah, he was pretty cute, but thats besides the point, lol. I watched his play for a few minutes, he didn't seem to mind, I am sure there have been a lot of people drooling over the game system behind him before I came about. Well, I think all of my christmas shopping is done, just need to make some cookies for some people and buy one more gift, I just need to figure out what I should buy that person.
Know what I miss? Peanut brittle. The good kind, where it's cart and tastes like peanut brittle, NOT melting in my mouth. Ugh, I had a brand where it litteraly broke down into a powder in my mouth. Discusting. Made me so sick that I was sick. Haha, that makes sense. Who would of though it would make me so sick that I would get sick. Hehe, I'm so clever.
Err... Don't know what to say, oh. My joints are killing me. My Knees, wrists, and my left shin oddely enough. They are all having their ache and pain prenzy on me and it's a pain in the butt. This guy that sits next to my saw me rubbing my right wrist and he asked what I was doing. So I told him I will occasionally get a stabbing pain in my write. Then he laughed and called me an old lady with arthritis, haha, very funny. I laughed but thats only because he has a funny sarcastic way of saying things. What can I say, I laugh a lot, people tell me that too. They say "Sarah, either you look too depressed or you can't stop laughing. I think you need to lay off the pillz." They stole that from me because I say that all the time. Ok, have to go and attempt to find something I can eat.
~Peace out~

Matisyahu

For the past couple of weeks I have been hearing about this band Matisyahu. 101.5 the Zone,my fave station, has been playing this song for a while. They keep on Sayin "Man, this guy loves God!!" They say it like it kicks butt, which rules because I didn't expect them to care. All I have heard was he was jewish and he loves God. lol, but after listening to it many times I started to really like it. I really didn't understand what he was saying thw majority of the time, so here are lyrics for those who are like me.

King Without A Crown
Chorus:
What's this feeling?
My love will rip a hole in the ceiling
Givin' myself to you from the essence of my being
Sing to my G-d all these songs of love and healing
Want Moshiach now so it's time we start revealing

You're all that I have and you're all that I need
Each and every day I pray to get to know you please
I want to be close to you, yes I'm so hungry
You're like water for my soul when it gets thirsty
Without you there's no me
You're the air that I breathe
Sometimes the world is dark and I just can't see
With these, demons surround all around to bring me down to negativity
But I believe, yes I believe, I said I believe
I'll stand on my own two feet
Won't be brought down on one knee
Fight with all of my might and get these demons to flee
Hashem's rays fire blaze burn bright and I believe
Out of darkness comes light, twilight unto the heights
Crown Heights burnin' up all through till midnight
Said, thank you to my G-d, now I finally got it right
And I'll fight with all of my heart, and all a' my soul, and all a' my might

Chorus

Bridge:
Me no want no sinsemilla.
That would only bring me down
Burn away my brain no way my brain is to compound
Torah food for my brain let it rain till I drown
Thunder!
Let the blessings come down

Strip away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high then you're bound to stay low
You want G-d but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the water's and you can't stay afloat
Ask Hashem for mercy and he'll throw you a rope
You're looking for help from G-d you say he couldn't be found
Looking up to the sky and searchin' beneath the ground
Like a King without his Crown
Yes, you keep fallin' down
You really want to live but can't get rid of your frown
Tried to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground
Given up your pride and the you heard a sound
Out of night comes day and out of day comes light
Nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray,
Makin' room for his love and a fire gone blaze

Chorus

Reelin' him in
Where ya been
Where ya been
Where ya been for so long
It's hard to stay strong been livin' in galus (exile) for 2000 years strong
Where ya been for so long
Been livin in this exhile for too long

Ehh, what can I say, I'm a qouter.

Here are a few of my fave qoutes, got to love em.
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " Charlie Brown.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe.

Well, I figured I would start this post with some qoutes I find to true and questionable, haha. Well, how am I? Uhh... I am not sure. I am having a bit of an off day, writing the opposite of what I mean, and things aren't comming out as crisp and clear as they should. Even though... I don't make sense half of the time anyway. Atleast my brain is still slightly intacked..... slighlty... oh so very slightly!
Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking, giving myself a lot of alone time in my head. And I have concluded I am 80% moron, 5% brains, 5% bronz, and ten percent questionable. lol, yeah, true... true. Ok, I have to go. Homework and studying for finals for next week and this week if important if I want to stay away from getting any C's as a final grade. I have all B's and one A right now, I find that to be sad, but I am sure I will do a lil better next semester... I hope. IT's a matter of lazyness really. Ok, have to go, will post some more awsome qoutes when time allows.
~Peace Out~

Just too shway ...

Ok, so today went allright, no biggy. Came home after a long and tireing walk (40 minutes of a walk) So I get home, and do as I usually do, let in the mutt and throw my crap on my bed. Then I came into the dineing room to check my email. Checked my blog, then my msn emailing shtuff. As soon as I closed the explorer window I realized I forgot to check my yahoo account. No on emails me on yahoo, so it's not like I remember or anything when it comes to check it. So I go on clicking, click click click, yahoo comes up. Two new messages, so I figured It was just another stupid yahoo update thing or pogo begging me to join their site again. So I clicky, ready to delety (Like that? I know, just came to me and I put the purdy Y's on em eh) Ok, so I am on my email page, look at the sender first, as allways. And then I got the suprise of my life! Chris, my dear brother Chris. My kick butt brother chris sent me, ME!!, information on the ticket he bought for me to fly to Kansas! I was like.... holy mother of... I allways stop after of. So it keeps it clean, it only goes bad if people turn it into a bad thing to say. Then, I did the impossable for myself, I sqeeled. I am home all by myself, so I can be all crazy like that. But, yeah, I was sqeeling excited and all. Crazyness!!!!! I jumped around a little, got tired so I took a break and layed down. Lol, my walk home allways tires me so my energy is shot. But yeah, I am flying in on the 24th, Christmas eve, and comming back to AZ on the 2nd of January. I am so excited! The whole plane trip scares the shiznets out of me. Never flown by myself before, but I need to start fighting these fears of mine. Like rideing the bus... or any kind of bus for that matter, public anyways. Ok, my fingers and eyes are shot so I need to get. But I am soooo stoked it's curzy eh! Curzey!!!!!
~Peace~

Too scary for my taste

Yesterday was horrible! I woke up to my step dads alarm going off at 5, I usually get up at 6. So I try going back to bed but I can't because I kept on getting nightmare after nightmare about something in my room that was evil, demonic I should say. It was one of those your waking up in your own bed type of dream, everything is as it is in real life, everything where you left it, only someone is in there with you, standing by your bed, watching you, ready to grab you. But another fault of the dream is you can't move, you can't speak, you just.... CAN'T! I could move my head slightly side to side, but that only made things go worse.
Ok, so this is what started it, I had waken up to the alarm clock, but I could have swarn I saw a shadow (My room is freakin' pitch black, so how I was able to see a darker image is beyond my comprehension. I am awake while I am seeing this by the way) It was in the corner of my eye, but I could see him.... it fully. I could see the full image, looked like an outline of a big and broad shouldered man. Everytime I turned my head it was still there, so I was trippin' out. I turned on the lights, nothing there. So I turned them off, but when I went back to bed kept my lights on(I was freakin' trippin' eh's. So I figured I would do better with some comfurting lights, Not so. My last thought was me thinking about calling my Jeremiah that day to tell him of some events I will be doing this weekend and stuff, going to a birthday and doing some babysitting. Well, I fall asleep and in my dream I wake up and try going back to sleep when Jeremiah comes walking throught he door. He was acting funny, very funny. A weird, adnormal laugh kept comming from him. I was still laying down, talking to him a little, and I couldn't move, but I didn't tell him I couldn't. So he keeps going back in forth in my room and came up close to me, two feet or so. Laughing in that way. The laugh of a demon is how I put it. I was shaking while he was laughing, I kept closing my eyes remembering my mom had once told me that when I pray to God to stop the dream it will stop. So I did, and my brother was still there, so I prayed more and more, but it didn't work. Maybe because even when I believed it would work it never did. I pray now whenever I have a bad dream, but it never works. So next Jeremiah somehow was at the corner of my bed behind and to the side of me. I could hear him laughing, not his real laugh, but that continuous nitemaric laugh. I couldn't move, but shaking was all I could do. I tried turning my head but it only when a little bit, like a twitch to the side. I wanted to see my brother there, to make sure he wasn't really there. But then I saw a hand, a hand in the corner of my left eye. Was it real? I had to find out. so after more twitching and frightening moans I raised my arm up to touch the hand. It was real! I could feel the warmth, the stiffness, the hand! Oh my my my! Thats when I flipped. A deeper laugh now, and I was ready to die. The hand felt real, that ment to me it was real. The whole happening was real. How I woke up, I do not know. But I do know this, alll my nightmares contain something outside of this world. And it scares the hell out of me. But my whole day yesterday was so horrible. Teachers nagging on me for not having work in because I have been sick, friends nagging on me because of this and that and where which thing. Too much happened, and I was ready to throw some fists. My last fight was in seventh grade but it was a minor one, nothing big or anything like that. Out of.... protection, to make people respect me I guess was my reason, and because this kid made a fool out of me. I wanted to give him a bloody nose, but I knew his family, and I was in no mood to deal with them. But he stopped trying to talk to me after I talked to him a few times and the slight fight we got into. Things just go wrong all the time for me.
Ok, I have to end this, getting to wrong and my fingers are ice cold.
~Peace out~

Too scary for my taste

Yesterday was horrible! I woke up to my step dads alarm going off at 5, I usually get up at 6. So I try going back to bed but I can't because I kept on getting nightmare after nightmare about something in my room that was evil, demonic I should say. It was one of those your waking up in your own bed type of dream, everything is as it is in real life, everything where you left it, only someone is in there with you, standing by your bed, watching you, ready to grab you. But another fault of the dream is you can't move, you can't speak, you just.... CAN'T! I could move my head slightly side to side, but that only made things go worse.
Ok, so this is what started it, I had waken up to the alarm clock, but I could have swarn I saw a shadow (My room is freakin' pitch black, so how I was able to see a darker image is beyond my comprehension. I am awake while I am seeing this by the way) It was in the corner of my eye, but I could see him.... it fully. I could see the full image, looked like an outline of a big and broad shouldered man. Everytime I turned my head it was still there, so I was trippin' out. I turned on the lights, nothing there. So I turned them off, but when I went back to bed kept my lights on(I was freakin' trippin' eh's. So I figured I would do better with some comfurting lights, Not so. My last thought was me thinking about calling my Jeremiah that day to tell him of some events I will be doing this weekend and stuff, going to a birthday and doing some babysitting. Well, I fall asleep and in my dream I wake up and try going back to sleep when Jeremiah comes walking throught he door. He was acting funny, very funny. A weird, adnormal laugh kept comming from him. I was still laying down, talking to him a little, and I couldn't move, but I didn't tell him I couldn't. So he keeps going back in forth in my room and came up close to me, two feet or so. Laughing in that way. The laugh of a demon is how I put it. I was shaking while he was laughing, I kept closing my eyes remembering my mom had once told me that when I pray to God to stop the dream it will stop. So I did, and my brother was still there, so I prayed more and more, but it didn't work. Maybe because even when I believed it would work it never did. I pray now whenever I have a bad dream, but it never works. So next Jeremiah somehow was at the corner of my bed behind and to the side of me. I could hear him laughing, not his real laugh, but that continuous nitemaric laugh. I couldn't move, but shaking was all I could do. I tried turning my head but it only when a little bit, like a twitch to the side. I wanted to see my brother there, to make sure he wasn't really there. But then I saw a hand, a hand in the corner of my left eye. Was it real? I had to find out. so after more twitching and frightening moans I raised my arm up to touch the hand. It was real! I could feel the warmth, the stiffness, the hand! Oh my my my! Thats when I flipped. A deeper laugh now, and I was ready to die. The hand felt real, that ment to me it was real. The whole happening was real. How I woke up, I do not know. But I do know this, alll my nightmares contain something outside of this world. And it scares the hell out of me. But my whole day yesterday was so horrible. Teachers nagging on me for not having work in because I have been sick, friends nagging on me because of this and that and where which thing. Too much happened, and I was ready to throw some fists. My last fight was in seventh grade but it was a minor one, nothing big or anything like that. Out of.... protection, to make people respect me I guess was my reason, and because this kid made a fool out of me. I wanted to give him a bloody nose, but I knew his family, and I was in no mood to deal with them. But he stopped trying to talk to me after I talked to him a few times and the slight fight we got into. Things just go wrong all the time for me.
Ok, I have to end this, getting to wrong and my fingers are ice cold.
~Peace out~

Ah, the Beauty

Ah, the beauty of a full tummy. Blar, I usually don't eat a lot, even on thanksgiving I stayed clear of eating enough to make me full, just enough to make me content. But, tonight I ate everything on my plate. Haven't done that in a while, I eat what I put on my plate, but when someone else puts food on my plate they stack it. So, I ate all of my din din. It was allright, a lil to spicy to be enjoyed (The chicken that is) But over all it wasn't all too bad.
Well, it's close to 9:30, and I felt like updating and typing. Either I am growing closer to being sane, or I am getting far from it. Usually I nitpick at every waking moment (Mentally of course, I am not a hard ass is reality) but today... actually I was in a horrible mood today. Today we had table church, where the youth had to go and sit with their parents at certain tables to discuss questions and whatnot. Well, this basically made me pretty ticked off. Actually, my head was going to explode, I am sure some people noticed it. Why, you ask? Gosh, I would rather keep that to myself. But really, I know I have some issues, and I need to get them straight. I kept imagining me storming out during the service, my thoughts really do go the extreme. I would give examples but it's not called for. So there yeh go, I actually admitted I have issue, blasphemy, I allways say I have issues. Maybe I just have more then enough to go around? Just maybe indeed. Well, today might be a long post. Sorry my font changes so often, I need slight changes to make this blog more off set.... like me, haha. Ok, so after church, me and my raging emotions sat at the computer listening and occasionally watching music videos. Blar, and everytime Kelly Clarkson's videos showed up and ruined the flow I had to get up and click skip on the video player. I'm nice huh? Eh, usually I listen to.. well.... the occasional christian group, but when I do Amy Grant and... some other chick that I don't really like will show up and ruin my flow. So, basically I listen to... Well, pillar went out of the question after the third group's song because horrible country kept showing up. Ugh, I really know what I like, and music is something I want to keep liking. So I listen to.... oh, I really like this one song by Thrice, it's about how parents in the future will not stand to have their children kidnapped. They go and revolt, taking down the athorities (government) that kidnapped their children. Very good song, I like to listen to it allmost everyday. And then there is this song my trapt... no point really, just a song to let out some built in anger. It's called Stand up, how he wont take anymore of people pushing him around and whatnot. Civilians revolting against the political world and money hogs. Ehh, I like the song anyway.
There is honestly no point to this post, Maybe the next one I will go into my... thoughts.... and conjure up another story. Haha, She-She calls my writing code, can't crack it. Funny, but really, in my thoughts it all makes sense, But everything I write is really what I saw in whatever chaotic moment there was. Like... actually... I like keeping this stuff to myself, a secret that I can get without people knowing what I am talking about. I feel a little selfish my doing so, but it's all apart of my minds plan. Don't ask, I am sure my mind has allready made a plan for whatever I am not saying, that doesn't even make sense to me. Well, I am in my writing mode, so this will be a long post.


Do you see it? Do you see the heart that stopped in the motionless being? There was once life; an alteration of breathing has occurred. Still movement, cold to the touch, time has sustained itself for this moment. This moment in time when everything stops, dead in it’s tracks, space that cannot be filled in, changed. Stand on your mantelpiece; sing me a song that cannot be touched. Sing me a song that cannot be changed. The voice, the sound of smooth air passing through the lifeless figure. Through the organs, thumpthump thumpthump, a continuous pattern through the lifeless being. You, your lifeless self is breathing a new hymn for the ages in a timeless era. Sleep to this voice, that’s all that can be held. First and last, forever in one piece. Thumpthump Thumpthump. Breath, new and old life, revisiting. Eyelids growing heavier and heavier from the grasping sound. Vision is half there, then gone to the spilling of shadow. Fear is not capable of being, for the internal movements halt it from the path. A living, breathing, singing, and holding statue. In one piece, no adjusting, just still life. Just being still is life in itself. Life in Itself.

Thats what I would call a bummer

Well, at this moment I have slipped away into my state of.... unheroic feelings. Meaning, I am depressed yet again. Of what may you ask? Well, I do not know at this time, maybe later on my invisible shrink can let me know. But for now, I am stuck in this... sunken mood, looking for some happyness in the lights the tree holds, the memories it carries. Hopeing to find some laughs I had earlier, and maybe some waiting for tomarrow. But decorating the christmas tree this year brought me no jo after 5 seconds. I had my silly moment and made little wise cracks, but it all soon faded. Faded with the light the dineing room had once obtained. I found a new bruise on my right knee. I allways find these small bruises on my knee's, but I can't think of them ever occuring from events. I do have a sall bruise on the palm of my left hand, just below the pinky. But I recieved that one from lifting the computer desk, which is far beyond both mine and Georges strength. And man does it hurt. Oh, and earlier today I stubbed my left big toe on some tile that has slightly elevated from the floor. And I am going to tell you what I did when I found out it was bleeding from inside. Internal bleeding... temporary internal bleeding that is. Well, I don't like the thought of the whole "internal" bleeding, so I cut it open. Haha. You guys are probably like, "Sarah, you sick freak. I didn't want to know that!" Well, too late, you read it, and now know it. lol, but now my toe hurts. So lemme see here.... my hand, knee, toe, and feelings are all hurting, thats allways makes for a good day.
I saw the march of the penguins today. I will go all honest on this one, I thought it was kind of cute how the penguins met up and all, but after that..... ehh... a really boreing movie. I am not one to fall asleep dureing movies, so I stuck through. Psh, didn't really care at all for the movie, and will die if someone tries to make me watch it again. I allso saw the Manchurian Candidate again, second time seeing it but it has been a while. I don't like Mr. Washingtons charactor in the movie, takes away what strength he has. But over all I like it. I wanted to see it again because a book I am currently reading, False Memory, by Dean Koontz, has events based off of the this movie (Er... actually based off the book that the movie is based off of) Haven't finished the book, but it is interesting, dealing with a couple trying to run away from a profesor of theirs that put them under a mind conrol substance so they are able to be accessed for controling anywhere. some people nag on me for reading a book such as that, with the whole taking over of the mind, but I don't see a problem with it. Well, sure it's bad, but when the people are running and are trying to find a away to send the guy to prison for all the bad deeds he has commited with this power he has obtained, then I will read the book. So when people are fighting back, well yeah I will read it.
Ok, so talking has made me feel sooooo much better. I better go now eh's. I will explain more about the book in a later post, but right now my contacts are killing me and I must rid them from my eyes.
~Peace Out~

A good night

I have been sick lately, of course, and so I stayed home today to try and get over this sickness once and for all. I had stayed home on Tuesday, and went to school on Wednesday because it was a half and I needed reviews for a test on Thursday. Turned out I had a big test on Wednesday, so it was a good idea to go to school. I went to school on Thursday for my test, but I must say, I am probably so behind in art it's not even funny. I am so afraid I am going to get too far behind, so now I have to work twice as hard. Right now we are working on self portraits, which isn't easy by any standards, so it's not like I can rush through with my awsome skills of rushing or anything. So, I slept in till one or 12:30 today, then ate some toaster stroodles fallowed by watching a majority of Cast Away. Afterward I took a shower, dried my hair and got ready for babysitting at church tonight. Last time I baby sat I wasn't in the best of moods, had a rough week. But tonight there were a few people I needed to see to make the night all so pleasant. I had a good time, baby sat from 6 to 9, so I am sure I made some more cash for my trip to ireland next summer. I am excited about going, but not about the plane ride. My stomach has been bugging the donkey out of me, and so any ride whatsoever has been a real burden. But tonight I felt as if I was well from the sickness and the motion turnings in me. Haha, very much so.
But lastnight.... er.... more like after I woke up and told my mom I wasn't going to school today, I had a dream I had powers. SO FREAKIN' AWSOME EH'S!!!!! I had night crawlers powers, the one off of exmen eh. He was my fave charactor in the cartoon and in the movies. But I must say, I liked Rogue's powers, but lastnight made night crawlers powers... I mean this morning.... it made is powers so cool. So there you have it, me and my powers. I am so ruleing the world of Blue people. Haha, ok, I don't want to be the queen of smurf town. Ehh!! I should go to bed even though I am wide awake. It's about 11:21, so I better get going even though I wouldn't mind rambling on. I could honestly do this for pages at a time.
Oh, and if Eric ever reads this post, I tried to get aim, but then I forgot my password, so I tried to make a new on but the computer started wiggin. Then I Tried to get into the messanger that I allready downloaded, but it said it didn't exist, then I tried again and it said it need to finish downloading. So I tried to finish the downloading, but then it just froze itself. I will try again tomarrow. But no promises eh.
Allrighty all.
~Peace out~

Whahaha

Hmmmm...... Ok, so I figured I better update this thing since I am in a typing mood. I like to see how fast I can type, it's a self asteem issue with my key board. Haha. Yeah, it's true though, have to show the keyboard whose boss. Keep it in shape yeh knowz? Lemme see.... gurgle.... I am still ill founded, worse today then I have been the last two days, reasuring, no? Yeah, I basically figured I want to break a leg or an arm or something of the sort, K no? Crazy, but I want to see how I would react to it, plus I am feeling a little left out haveing had no broken or sprained bones. I feel too safe in my square (Popped the bubble and up came a square) So... yeah, that would be great. I get the feeling at school that people think I am crazy, mostly because they say "Sarah, your crazy." haha, I am getting that more and more lately, I am allso told I am weird, odd, strange, wacked, and questionable. But those are pretty much the nicest things I can ever hear, seemings how I really like to be different. Like, for instance, everyone at school has a myspace and are begging me to get one. But me being me, I refuse and continue my life free of that scurry site indeed. Oh, and I went shopping for pants and a jacket today. All the jeans at Khols were tattered and holy, I don't know about you guys, but I royaly despize such. I prefure my jeans to be in one piece thank you very much. So I spent a good thirty minutes looking for a pair I liked, I am very stubborn and wasn't feeling good to go to a different store. I did find one pair of jeans that weren't half bad, but still, what is wrong with these people! I sound like an old folkal eh's! Allso, I got a very nice jacket that is all warm and cozy, very classy looking eh's. Well, I did take a step away from the "in" crowd because they all wear their hoodies and I will be wearing my jacket with it's kick butt hoodie. I am talking about clothes now.... stop it Sarah, lil weird of you to do so. I know I know, I haven't been feeling good. Thats no excuse. Yes huh! Nope, geez. Your insane eh! Yeah, thats true. I feel hungry, maybe a lil cheese cake is in order. Yummmm cheese cake. Sounds good. Very good.
Ok, I am ditching the blog for the time being for the cheesycake.
~Peace~